Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Because It Was a Dentist's Favorite Time...

So I've basically been avoiding my old dentist for a year now, after he not-so-subtly issued a warning that I'd better have my wisdom teeth out before I saw him again. Since I'm basically terrified to do that whole thing, I figured it would just be easier to find a new dentist. Which I was totally going to get around to. Eventually.

But eventually came yesterday when I busted a tooth on seedless watermelon (nope, you read that right). After weighing the options of leaving it or going to see a dentist, I begrudgingly checked out the insurance Web site to find a guy who could get me in soon-ish.

I rank going to the dentist somewhere just above having my eyelids stapled shut on my list of things I dread, so I was already out of sorts when I went in before work today. After the initial x-rays, exam, small talk, etc., New Dentist tells me the same thing Old Dentist did. Wisdom teeth need to make like a chain and get yanked. He (nicely) helped me set up a date and time with an oral surgeon, patted me on the head and sent me on my way.

I was tweaking about having to go under the knife, or the wrench, or whatever the heck it is that they pull teeth with, so I stopped at my friendly local chain grocer to pick up some comfort food. Keep in mind it is barely 9 a.m., I'm decked out in my not-so-finest sweats and the only make-up I'm wearing is leftover eye smudges from the night before. I select my (albeit soft) sweets, and head to the cashier, who is the real-life twin to the Simpsons' Ned Flanders. I expected a Hi-Diddly-Oh from this guy. But he must have gotten his TV-alter-ego wires crossed, because Faux Flanders had the personality of horny used car salesman.

FF: Hey, I've been waiting all day for a beautiful girl to get in my line.
Me: It's still early, don't give up yet.

I go to punch in my debit card pin, and he notices the rings I'm sporting on good ol' lefty.

FF: Aw, man, why is it that all the hot girls are married?
Me: Maybe because you are a skeevy 50-something Jewel cashier?
Yeah, I wish. Instead, I grabbed my receipt and bolted. Dental pain and skeevy dudes are far too much to handle before 10 a.m.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Meltdown - Literally

Riddle: What's black and blue and red all over?

Answer: This kid right here.

Friday I had the unfortunate luck of spending all day lounging by the pool. I know, poor me. I toted Lola along for the day, and instead of hanging out in the shade, she decided she wanted to be up on the deck where all the people were. Seeing as it was something like 212 degrees, I wanted to keep her cool, so I thought she'd enjoy a swim...except Lola hates water. Apparently, all water. Even when it is cool and refreshing. So though she's only 30 pounds of pup, she reacted with the force of a Bull Mastiff, and now the front of my legs look like I've been beaten by a very large bat. So there's the black and blue. As for the red...

As a member of Pasty White Girls anonymous, I was diligent about the SPF allllll day...until I fell asleep for 2o minutes. Since no one bothered to wake me up, the back side of my body got a very lobster-esque hue. Hurts like the dickens, too.

I think it's safe to say I'm a hot mess at the moment. Sucks. But at least I've got some color(s)...